What's the score of the 'Wings game?

If I'm a cop and I score weed from some punk after I arrest him, and intend on going home and baking pot brownies with my wife, I *might* want to at least consult the internet to see how many brownies I should be eating. But that's just me.

In case you were wondering...

"When Bert's not Queer..."

Yikes. I'm gonna watch Seasame Street over the weekend to see if there are any rainbow flags hidden anywhere on the Bert and Ernie set. The comment by DollaDollaBill123 at the top is hilarious.

Just when you convince yourself they're gay, there's this.

Fatdance

That's the Fatboy on his first day of school, 1987. Only the cool kids had Alf t-shirts at my school. Curiously, my lunchbox was plain blue. Must not have had my matching Alf one yet.

In reality, the Fatboy, pre-late 90's (and therefore pre-beer) was actually skinny. Maybe this fatboy will be skinny too if he keeps at it.

Great Tits

Now this is a pair of great tits. Thankfully, they're coping well with global warming.

Some other pairs of tits. They showed a bunch of these broads on CNBC today and the trading floor reacted as if the President just got assassinated.

Bird is the Word

Not really sure why, but I find this really entertaining. Sober even.

I'm convinced the Family Guy was made for stoners. Watch an episode stone cold sober, and yes, it's funny. But watch that same episode stoned and it's a Fatboy promise that you will be in tears.

Also, I know I haven't been terribly diligent with posts lately, and I can say nothing other than "I'm sorry". Not being able to post at work has really stole the Fatboy thunder. Don't worry though, pretty soon when I'm out of work I'll be posting like it's my job (maybe it will be).

Cardboard Retards

How many cardboard retards does it take to rob a bank?

Answer: One!

Lesbian Polar Bears

Don't they have Vets at this place? This is pretty fucking stupid.

Dots not Feathers

This pic has got to be photoshopped, but if it isn't - fuck, I wanna meet these people. My cat wouldn't even let you touch her.

Anyway, year in year out the Pittsburgh Pirates suck. I know it, you know it, annoying Mets fans know it. Maybe this is why.

Japan has had a pro league for what, 50 years now? How many guys have they pumped into MLB? A dozen maybe, only 5 or so of which are any good. I'm a better GM here from my toilet than the Pirates GM.

Negotiation

Negotiation. It's a fine art. The Fatboy negotiates everyday, so trust me. Whether it's knowing more than your counterparty, or having the wits to distract them while you waste time and find the funds to make a late payment, it's all the same. You're born with it, or you're not.

This guy, yeah, he was born with it.

One Fat Step for Mankind

Played a little golf this past week.

I'm no Kim Jong Il, but the Fatboy can get it around the course fairly efficiently.

I didn't do anything like this though.

Whomever smelt it delt it

So the Fatboy had a short flight back from southern Florida Saturday. This usually means two things: old people and tourists. The old guy sitting across the aisle from me was coughing up a lung in the nastiest way possible all flight long, which made me curse my iPod for being out of juice, and Jetblue for making my seat the only fucking seat on the plane without the DirecTv working. Fuckers.

The most disturbing part wasn't the coughing though. The guy farted a solid 5 or 6 times during the flight, and me and the guy directly behind him heard all of them (not to mention the smell). You know its bad when you have a conversation about someone else's flatulence in the cab stand at JFK.

All of that said, an homage to farts, because, as my mother once said, they are my favorite:

• Kids are generally scared at mine, too.
• I'd pass judgement on this guy, but I'll be doing this with my sons too.
• Ew. Really nothing else to say here.
• There's a Canadian Idol? Weird.
• And, of course, no fart compilation would be complete without T&P (careful, swear words). Pay careful attention to the very last second for Philip's comment, which kills me every single time.
  

Dancin'

I was so happy to be back home, I decided to record myself dancing.

Man, feels good to be back.

Spam

Spam. Those crazy Hawaiians love it, God knows why. Lately, they're not the only ones though, and this fact blows my Fatboy mind.

So what the hell is in this shit anyway? I figured it was lips and foreskin... ya know, the usual nasty shit that's in hot dogs and stuff. Surprisingly, it's not that bad. Maybe that's why Robert Byrd has lived to be 400 years old. Hmm.

Panties. Moist, panties.

I'm back, bitches. I feel refreshed, relaxed, and more importantly, motivated to get all 3 of my readers back into the routine of checking out what the Fatboy has to say.

Contrary to popular belief, I was not in Dallas this past week, though I do find that lace is very comfortable against my skin.

I like that he had an accomplice. A female one.

Vacation

Gone on vacation, I promise the posts will pick up when i get back next Saturday. I just need a week to recharge the ol' fatbattery.

Ta.

Blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

Sorry for the lack of posts recently, the Fatboy's been shockingly busy at work. Since today is election day, and I'm watching the ubiquitous election coverage, a few random thoughts if you'll allow them:

• Tom Brokaw can't prounce the letter 'L'
• Andrea Mitchell looks more like Alan Greenspan than Alan Greenspan does (they're married)
• I'm so fucking sick of Sarah Palin it's not even funny
• Why are only black people allowed to have opinions about racism in this country?
  

More on this last point. NBC has Tavis Smiley on tonight to opine about how far this country has come with regard to racial relations since the year he was born, 1964. I particularly enjoyed Brian Williams saying to him, "This is why you're here with us" when he was done speaking. I'm confused as to why a black man has been brought on to discuss race relations when really anyone can discuss this. Isn't that racist in its own right? Whoa, deep. I'll just link to some random blonde girl in her underwear talking about god knows what.

Don't invite him, he's a cheetah

If they had just put the damn thing in First Class, this wouldn't have happened.

Sucks for the poor bastard that opened the cargo door to discover this when the plane landed...

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

So you're probably thinking, "Fatboy, did you put something down on your laptap keyboard by accident?" in regards to the title of this post. My answer: no. Apparently Welsh is a really stupid fucking language, so much so that they don't even get it half the time.

It did give me an excuse to post a picture of a hot chick wearing a Wales bikini though...

Big Hitter, the Fatboy

Giving John Daly a Hooters sponsorship is like giving the Fatboy a lifetime free pass to Flashdancers. Or something.

This is creepy. It's oddly homoerotic. I have to go look at pwern or something now to erase these images.

I'm A Mawg

Wow. This girl has to spend more time pruning herself than I do. Jesus.

So who is this sasquatchian person? It's Madonna's daughter. Yes, that's right. Now, maybe you gossip fags out there know all this already, but I was blindsided by this today at work. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say.

Down for the Count

Next time you think you're a loser, think of this guy.


EDIT: Sorry for the brevity of the posts during the day guys, it's become impossible for me to post at work without getting so frustrated I want to throw my computer out the 39th floor window. I'll figure this out sooner or later.

Talent

He even sucks at killing himself. Sheesh.

I like how he threw his daughter under the bus claiming it was her to the press today. Nice work.

General Tso's Deer

I wish I knew the backstory to this picture. Maybe it's where these Chinamen got their deer though...

Aluminum Falcon

What do Aluminum, Falcons and this picture have to do with each other? Absolutely nothing.

I just wanted to link to this because I love it. So there.

The Devil and Ted Stevens

Ha! Good riddance you dumb fuck.

I have to tell you, given what I've been seeing coming out of Alaska recently, I'm really not that impressed with this state. No way either Stevens or Palin gets the seat that they're in living in, say, Texas (hmm, I probably should've chosen another state). When the best thing you have coming out of your state is Jewel's tits, you need to reconsider where you're living.

My Big Fat Mexican Wedding

I'm not going to lie, this post isn't my best effort. I'm only posting it because it involves a really fat dude getting married, and I feel obligated to do so.

You know what the shit of it is? Had I been able to post it today during work hours, you would've seen that they had a different headline and therefore wouldn't accuse me of fatboy plagiarism.

Anyway, in searching for the lame ass picture that comes with this post, I found the only thing making this post worthwhile. Fucking weird right? I guess you'll never wonder, "but what if she's fat?" when using this site for a blind date. You'll have that going for you. Which is nice.

I Now Pronounce You Ugly and Desperate

I would rather die alone, sitting on my porch everyday in a rocking chair and living with 150 cats than perform such a desperate measure.

I don't know this woman, and have never met her, but I can already tell she's an asshole just by looking at her in the picture. I bet she's a stuck up bitch who has shot down whatever guy has ever been blind drunk enough to hit on her. Oh yeah, she's ugly too.

Horse and the City

Been saying this for years, so glad someone had the time to make it into a website.

Amazing how a woman that really truly looks like a horse makes it so big in Hollywood.

Sssleuth

Hmm, I smell foul play. I'd check the boyfriend's alibi if I were these cops. If I wanted to off my girlfriend and I knew she had a huge python, I'd make it look like asphixiation too and blame it on the snake. That or I'd get an ill fitting pair of leather gloves, a pair of Bruno Magli shoes and slice her up something good. I think that's been done before though.

Mr. Fatboy's Opus

Been a while since we returned to our roots here at Fatboy Rides, so I decided to link to this.

It's really not that entertaining, I admit. What caught me though were the disturbing videos to the right that youtube supposes are related. All this fatness is making me want to go out and train for a marathon or something.

Also, a brief note. For whatever reason, the Fatboy lost his ability to post to this forum at work. I'd say it's HR, but it's not, it's those bastards over at Bloomberg. Stand by.

Yuck

That guy David Evans looks like a total cocksucker. However, I don't think these 3 punks raped this girl. I think she's just dumb, read the situation and saw dollar signs.

Are these guys and the rest of lacrosse players globally all douche bags? You betcha. The question burns in my brain though: Why did they hire ugly black strippers? They're a bunch of rich white kids, you'd think they'd want to see some nice, Southern whiskey tango stripper tail. I guess the Fatboy rolls differently.

Mother of God

I have never had a pedicure, but I'm fairly certain you'd need a tank of sharks instead of carp to make the feet shown here look good.

I am fascinated by this and will begin research immediately to find a place that does this in NYC.

Almost too much fun

What's better than anonymously dropping a bag of poo on your ex's doorstep then lighting it on fire? If you answered "sending them an anonymous email telling them they hooked up with someone who had an STD" well then you win a prize, my friend.

I really like the "choose your STD" section. It's like choosing your own adventure. You could get a phone call from a buddy freaking out thinking he's got herpes, which is one adventure. Or, you could get a call from your ex yelling at you because you gave her crabs. That's another.

Which reminds me. I should write adult style "Choose your own adventure" books where you embark on a weekend night and get to choose your own adventure according to different situations. That would be fun to read, no?

Alpacanuity

So the Fatboy has been watching his investments go south the last few months, which shouldn't be too surprising to anyone. I just can't figure out what to get into that is a good alternative to the ups and downs of the stock market. Oil? Gold? Hog Futures?

I know! Alpacas! They have nice fur, they have funny haircuts and they spit. I will raise them, call them George, and outfit the entire Fatboy Palace with Alpaca fur. Rugs, sheets, bath towels.. the works. Man, who knew?

She's gone from suck to blow

Boy this story sure sucks, huh? Sure blows this guy got caught.

Ok, enough with the bad puns. I wish there was more detail here, as I cannot imagine a scenario where a vacuum cleaner at a car wash could get you off. Doesn't this guy know he can just go on Craigslist and pay some Thai kathoey for an outcall? (Anyone saying, "yeah, he's right!" right now should seriously consider getting help).

Anyway, I always kinda wondered why these cost so much, but now I'm thinking they're the better option to a car wash bj.

My New Hamma

This guy knows how to really celebrate a trip to the World Series. Nothing like a good ol' fashioned ass hammerin' to compliment cheap beer and champagne.

And since Matt Stairs is Canadian, why not link to something sort of relevant involving a hammer. Fast forward to where there is 21:30 left. Perhaps the funniest South Park episode of all time.

Compare and Contrast

Bad dancing. We've all seen it, and may have even been guilty of it (if you're white, fat, and Irish, then you definitely have been guilty). The Fatboy has moves but knows his limitations, and rarely dances unless blind drunk, with others being equally or more drunk around him.

That said, we shall compare two different dancing styles: style 1 and style 2. At least we know that style 2 was done in a self deprecating humorous kind of way by a very good actress. Style 1... not so much. I get the very good sense that he jumped at the suggestion by the director to dance in this scene and genuinely thinks he's a good dancer (and probably thinks he's a good actor as well). What kills me is that the lil' Asian fella gets jealous and wants to fight him.

Sumo

Next time I'm having sex (could be a while), and I need to last a little longer, I will remember this girl. That method could have terrible consequences though, so maybe I'll just stick with my tried and true method of reciting the menu at Taco Bell in my head.

Hemptastic

About the only difference between me and this guy when we're stoned and telling stories, is that the Fatboy here just forgets what he was saying, and starts anew on a new story. Fantastic.

About the only difference between me and this guy is that he's a towel and I'm a Fatboy.

"Fatboy, you're the worst character ever."

Bad Acting

Yes, that's right. He was in a movie called "Hercules in New York" - I vaguely remember seeing this on TV and remember Arnold's lines all being dubbed in horribly pathetic "Kung Fu" kinda way.

Anyway, I came upon this story today, which made me look her up. I didn't know the name, but rekanize her from my pwern surfing (that's right, I admit it, the Fatboy has no problem discussing his pwern foraging on the internets). I recall this girl having lots of black dick shoved in her ass.

Given that last fact, I find it oh-so-amusing that she takes herself seriously as an artiste. The line in her Wiki profile about her getting punched in the stomach during felatio nearly made me fall out of my chair.

Sasha - you are not an artiste, you are an ejaculate receptacle. Nuff said.

Seemed like a good idea at the time...

Where was this in 1999 when I emailed my ex-girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to bone her and accidentally cc'd my current girlfriend?

It actually finished better than you'd think...

Urban Fatboy

This fatboy has some moves (and a hole in the crotch of his jeans).

This dude (pains me he's not fat, it'd be so much better) really has some moves.

I can imagine having to call my father to take me to the emergency room and having to tell him I broke my ass doing flips and jumping shit at the mall. In my head it doesn't go over very well.

A Horse is a Horse, of Course

Unless it's the famous Fat Boy getting shitcanned on fermented apples! Yes! It's as if this story was made for this blog. I need to find these people and offer some cash for this horse. Me riding Fat Boy would bring true meaning to "Fatboy Rides" - man I'm so happy.

EDIT: My bad everyone, I forgot to link to the story in my overzealousness. Click on "Fat Boy" to see wtf I was talking about.

Don't bring that shit into God's court

Looks like ol' JC has a nasty hook shot, though here it looks like this might be a charge. Hard to tell if the girl in the pink established herself before he got there though.

Everyone knows that if you want to sue God, you deliver the court papers to the Pope. JC finished top of his class at Harvard Law, so you better have a case.

Avoid the Noid

How stoned was the guy that invented this thing?

And since I really don't have anything else to say about the Noid, here's Tom Cruise being self righteous. Perhaps he reminds me of the Noid? Maybe I just like saying, "Noid". Not sure.

I was actually 100% sober while posting this, believe it or not.

Nobel Prize for Fatness

Jesus, you can bet on this shit? How much of a fucking degenerate gambler do you have to be to bet on the Nobel Prize for Literature?

In case you wondered where fat comes from (and no, not pizza, milkshakes or the North Pole). I promise that'll be the last brainy thing ever posted here.

Tea and Strumpets

Well, at least the whores are doin' well. They mention a red light district in New York in this article in a very matter-of-fact tone. I had no idea one existed (honestly), and wonder what the hell else have I been missing? Maybe I just think that a RLD is an actual place. I had no idea whores could think so spatially. Impressive.

Check out the commentary from Ezekiel12 (3rd from top). Asshole is arguing the validity of prostitution being the world's oldest profession. And I thought I had nothing going on...

Count von Fat

Had a dream involving vampires last night for whatever reason. In the dream, the Fatboy here asked the vampiress who was pursuing me why Count von Count from Sesame Street likes to count, and she had no answer. And that was the dream. I was sort of hoping it turned into a sex dream, but I apparently ruined it. Oh well.

Fun fact: His girlfriend's name is Countess von Backwards.

Fat-date

Just an update to something I wrote about a few weeks ago. I'm getting nostalgic... as far as I know, this is the first case of fatboyness to ever make it in front of the highest court in the land.

What the fuck does "medically unfit for capital punishment" even mean? It seems a little specious to me, as if these death row guys are meant to make it past their executions or something. Tom Brady is "medically unfit to play professional football", but as far as I'm concerned, the only way this dude would be "medically unfit for capital punishment" would be if he were dead.

The above pic is funny, it's as if John Roberts pinched Clarence Thomas' ass, but Thomas thinks Stephen Breyer did it.

EDIT: Well, the fatboy died today. Took down quite the final meal too.

Fat-tastic

So The Professor reminded ol' Fatboy here that there has been a decided lack of fatboy content on Fatboy Rides, and I have to say, I agree.

That said, as a tribute to fatness, I just can't go and post any old fatboy stories or content. The material that's chosen has to be carefully sorted and cleansed before being posted, it's my duty as moderator.

Therefore, I give you this. And I promise you this: you will be dumber after having watched.