Big Hitter, the Fatboy

Giving John Daly a Hooters sponsorship is like giving the Fatboy a lifetime free pass to Flashdancers. Or something.

This is creepy. It's oddly homoerotic. I have to go look at pwern or something now to erase these images.

I'm A Mawg

Wow. This girl has to spend more time pruning herself than I do. Jesus.

So who is this sasquatchian person? It's Madonna's daughter. Yes, that's right. Now, maybe you gossip fags out there know all this already, but I was blindsided by this today at work. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, as they say.

Down for the Count

Next time you think you're a loser, think of this guy.


EDIT: Sorry for the brevity of the posts during the day guys, it's become impossible for me to post at work without getting so frustrated I want to throw my computer out the 39th floor window. I'll figure this out sooner or later.

Talent

He even sucks at killing himself. Sheesh.

I like how he threw his daughter under the bus claiming it was her to the press today. Nice work.

General Tso's Deer

I wish I knew the backstory to this picture. Maybe it's where these Chinamen got their deer though...

Aluminum Falcon

What do Aluminum, Falcons and this picture have to do with each other? Absolutely nothing.

I just wanted to link to this because I love it. So there.

The Devil and Ted Stevens

Ha! Good riddance you dumb fuck.

I have to tell you, given what I've been seeing coming out of Alaska recently, I'm really not that impressed with this state. No way either Stevens or Palin gets the seat that they're in living in, say, Texas (hmm, I probably should've chosen another state). When the best thing you have coming out of your state is Jewel's tits, you need to reconsider where you're living.

My Big Fat Mexican Wedding

I'm not going to lie, this post isn't my best effort. I'm only posting it because it involves a really fat dude getting married, and I feel obligated to do so.

You know what the shit of it is? Had I been able to post it today during work hours, you would've seen that they had a different headline and therefore wouldn't accuse me of fatboy plagiarism.

Anyway, in searching for the lame ass picture that comes with this post, I found the only thing making this post worthwhile. Fucking weird right? I guess you'll never wonder, "but what if she's fat?" when using this site for a blind date. You'll have that going for you. Which is nice.

I Now Pronounce You Ugly and Desperate

I would rather die alone, sitting on my porch everyday in a rocking chair and living with 150 cats than perform such a desperate measure.

I don't know this woman, and have never met her, but I can already tell she's an asshole just by looking at her in the picture. I bet she's a stuck up bitch who has shot down whatever guy has ever been blind drunk enough to hit on her. Oh yeah, she's ugly too.

Horse and the City

Been saying this for years, so glad someone had the time to make it into a website.

Amazing how a woman that really truly looks like a horse makes it so big in Hollywood.

Sssleuth

Hmm, I smell foul play. I'd check the boyfriend's alibi if I were these cops. If I wanted to off my girlfriend and I knew she had a huge python, I'd make it look like asphixiation too and blame it on the snake. That or I'd get an ill fitting pair of leather gloves, a pair of Bruno Magli shoes and slice her up something good. I think that's been done before though.

Mr. Fatboy's Opus

Been a while since we returned to our roots here at Fatboy Rides, so I decided to link to this.

It's really not that entertaining, I admit. What caught me though were the disturbing videos to the right that youtube supposes are related. All this fatness is making me want to go out and train for a marathon or something.

Also, a brief note. For whatever reason, the Fatboy lost his ability to post to this forum at work. I'd say it's HR, but it's not, it's those bastards over at Bloomberg. Stand by.

Yuck

That guy David Evans looks like a total cocksucker. However, I don't think these 3 punks raped this girl. I think she's just dumb, read the situation and saw dollar signs.

Are these guys and the rest of lacrosse players globally all douche bags? You betcha. The question burns in my brain though: Why did they hire ugly black strippers? They're a bunch of rich white kids, you'd think they'd want to see some nice, Southern whiskey tango stripper tail. I guess the Fatboy rolls differently.

Mother of God

I have never had a pedicure, but I'm fairly certain you'd need a tank of sharks instead of carp to make the feet shown here look good.

I am fascinated by this and will begin research immediately to find a place that does this in NYC.

Almost too much fun

What's better than anonymously dropping a bag of poo on your ex's doorstep then lighting it on fire? If you answered "sending them an anonymous email telling them they hooked up with someone who had an STD" well then you win a prize, my friend.

I really like the "choose your STD" section. It's like choosing your own adventure. You could get a phone call from a buddy freaking out thinking he's got herpes, which is one adventure. Or, you could get a call from your ex yelling at you because you gave her crabs. That's another.

Which reminds me. I should write adult style "Choose your own adventure" books where you embark on a weekend night and get to choose your own adventure according to different situations. That would be fun to read, no?

Alpacanuity

So the Fatboy has been watching his investments go south the last few months, which shouldn't be too surprising to anyone. I just can't figure out what to get into that is a good alternative to the ups and downs of the stock market. Oil? Gold? Hog Futures?

I know! Alpacas! They have nice fur, they have funny haircuts and they spit. I will raise them, call them George, and outfit the entire Fatboy Palace with Alpaca fur. Rugs, sheets, bath towels.. the works. Man, who knew?

She's gone from suck to blow

Boy this story sure sucks, huh? Sure blows this guy got caught.

Ok, enough with the bad puns. I wish there was more detail here, as I cannot imagine a scenario where a vacuum cleaner at a car wash could get you off. Doesn't this guy know he can just go on Craigslist and pay some Thai kathoey for an outcall? (Anyone saying, "yeah, he's right!" right now should seriously consider getting help).

Anyway, I always kinda wondered why these cost so much, but now I'm thinking they're the better option to a car wash bj.

My New Hamma

This guy knows how to really celebrate a trip to the World Series. Nothing like a good ol' fashioned ass hammerin' to compliment cheap beer and champagne.

And since Matt Stairs is Canadian, why not link to something sort of relevant involving a hammer. Fast forward to where there is 21:30 left. Perhaps the funniest South Park episode of all time.

Compare and Contrast

Bad dancing. We've all seen it, and may have even been guilty of it (if you're white, fat, and Irish, then you definitely have been guilty). The Fatboy has moves but knows his limitations, and rarely dances unless blind drunk, with others being equally or more drunk around him.

That said, we shall compare two different dancing styles: style 1 and style 2. At least we know that style 2 was done in a self deprecating humorous kind of way by a very good actress. Style 1... not so much. I get the very good sense that he jumped at the suggestion by the director to dance in this scene and genuinely thinks he's a good dancer (and probably thinks he's a good actor as well). What kills me is that the lil' Asian fella gets jealous and wants to fight him.

Sumo

Next time I'm having sex (could be a while), and I need to last a little longer, I will remember this girl. That method could have terrible consequences though, so maybe I'll just stick with my tried and true method of reciting the menu at Taco Bell in my head.

Hemptastic

About the only difference between me and this guy when we're stoned and telling stories, is that the Fatboy here just forgets what he was saying, and starts anew on a new story. Fantastic.

About the only difference between me and this guy is that he's a towel and I'm a Fatboy.

"Fatboy, you're the worst character ever."

Bad Acting

Yes, that's right. He was in a movie called "Hercules in New York" - I vaguely remember seeing this on TV and remember Arnold's lines all being dubbed in horribly pathetic "Kung Fu" kinda way.

Anyway, I came upon this story today, which made me look her up. I didn't know the name, but rekanize her from my pwern surfing (that's right, I admit it, the Fatboy has no problem discussing his pwern foraging on the internets). I recall this girl having lots of black dick shoved in her ass.

Given that last fact, I find it oh-so-amusing that she takes herself seriously as an artiste. The line in her Wiki profile about her getting punched in the stomach during felatio nearly made me fall out of my chair.

Sasha - you are not an artiste, you are an ejaculate receptacle. Nuff said.

Seemed like a good idea at the time...

Where was this in 1999 when I emailed my ex-girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to bone her and accidentally cc'd my current girlfriend?

It actually finished better than you'd think...

Urban Fatboy

This fatboy has some moves (and a hole in the crotch of his jeans).

This dude (pains me he's not fat, it'd be so much better) really has some moves.

I can imagine having to call my father to take me to the emergency room and having to tell him I broke my ass doing flips and jumping shit at the mall. In my head it doesn't go over very well.

A Horse is a Horse, of Course

Unless it's the famous Fat Boy getting shitcanned on fermented apples! Yes! It's as if this story was made for this blog. I need to find these people and offer some cash for this horse. Me riding Fat Boy would bring true meaning to "Fatboy Rides" - man I'm so happy.

EDIT: My bad everyone, I forgot to link to the story in my overzealousness. Click on "Fat Boy" to see wtf I was talking about.

Don't bring that shit into God's court

Looks like ol' JC has a nasty hook shot, though here it looks like this might be a charge. Hard to tell if the girl in the pink established herself before he got there though.

Everyone knows that if you want to sue God, you deliver the court papers to the Pope. JC finished top of his class at Harvard Law, so you better have a case.

Avoid the Noid

How stoned was the guy that invented this thing?

And since I really don't have anything else to say about the Noid, here's Tom Cruise being self righteous. Perhaps he reminds me of the Noid? Maybe I just like saying, "Noid". Not sure.

I was actually 100% sober while posting this, believe it or not.

Nobel Prize for Fatness

Jesus, you can bet on this shit? How much of a fucking degenerate gambler do you have to be to bet on the Nobel Prize for Literature?

In case you wondered where fat comes from (and no, not pizza, milkshakes or the North Pole). I promise that'll be the last brainy thing ever posted here.

Tea and Strumpets

Well, at least the whores are doin' well. They mention a red light district in New York in this article in a very matter-of-fact tone. I had no idea one existed (honestly), and wonder what the hell else have I been missing? Maybe I just think that a RLD is an actual place. I had no idea whores could think so spatially. Impressive.

Check out the commentary from Ezekiel12 (3rd from top). Asshole is arguing the validity of prostitution being the world's oldest profession. And I thought I had nothing going on...

Count von Fat

Had a dream involving vampires last night for whatever reason. In the dream, the Fatboy here asked the vampiress who was pursuing me why Count von Count from Sesame Street likes to count, and she had no answer. And that was the dream. I was sort of hoping it turned into a sex dream, but I apparently ruined it. Oh well.

Fun fact: His girlfriend's name is Countess von Backwards.

Fat-date

Just an update to something I wrote about a few weeks ago. I'm getting nostalgic... as far as I know, this is the first case of fatboyness to ever make it in front of the highest court in the land.

What the fuck does "medically unfit for capital punishment" even mean? It seems a little specious to me, as if these death row guys are meant to make it past their executions or something. Tom Brady is "medically unfit to play professional football", but as far as I'm concerned, the only way this dude would be "medically unfit for capital punishment" would be if he were dead.

The above pic is funny, it's as if John Roberts pinched Clarence Thomas' ass, but Thomas thinks Stephen Breyer did it.

EDIT: Well, the fatboy died today. Took down quite the final meal too.

Fat-tastic

So The Professor reminded ol' Fatboy here that there has been a decided lack of fatboy content on Fatboy Rides, and I have to say, I agree.

That said, as a tribute to fatness, I just can't go and post any old fatboy stories or content. The material that's chosen has to be carefully sorted and cleansed before being posted, it's my duty as moderator.

Therefore, I give you this. And I promise you this: you will be dumber after having watched.

He's Back!

He's back everyone! I'm so happy, maybe we can play a little golf if he's up for it! What a fucking HUGE douchebag.

However, now that he's not dead, I'm no longer ronery. And thank the Dear Leader for that.

Oops

Duh, how did you not realize that you should've made this clock go out to the quadrillions?

AIDS AIDS AIDS!

Well shit, Magic certainly didn't lose any weight from AIDS.

Everyone has AIDS!

EDIT: Amazingly, the Fatboy is proving prescient as this story came out the day after this was posted. I've actually thought this for a very very long time. I love me a good conspiracy theory from time to time.

Designated Fatboy

Shit, I'd probably feel comfortable having a squirrel drive me home after 15 beers.

I love the t-shirt, I wonder if I can find a "Buy This Fatboy a Beer" shirt somewhere.

I love that it was a joint decision to have the kid drive.

Relax, guy

*Whew*. I bet they were exhausted after all that bankruptin'.

I can't figure out if I admire or resent these guys for pulling this collosally stupid move. You have to admit, it's ballsy. They may not be able to run an insurance company, but they sure can run up a Spa bill.

Henry Waxman looks like the Leprechaun from that eponymous horror movie, doesn't he?

The Pope-a

Sweet hat, Joe. Why don't you stick to what you know: funny hats, Gucci shoes and gay priests.

I like how he's out waxing poetic (pope-etic?) about the world's banking crisis when the Vatican is one of the wealthiest entities on the planet. He cites Matthew, Chapter 7 but failed to cite John's Revelations, Chapter 2: "He who has less than 100,000 in their bank account is safe with FDIC insurance." Duh.

Big Gay Wedding

So the ol' Fatboy went to a wedding this weekend, replete with gay men.

To be clear, the wedding was for The Professor, who is straight, and he was wedded to his girlfriend of many years. However, they know their share of gay couples. The Fatboy personally has nothing against the aforementioned persuasion. If you want to hit on that side of the plate, that's fine by me. However, my primitive lizard brain cannot get past trying to figure out who the "bitch" is and who the "butch" is in any of the gay relationships I bear witness to. Thank god I had enough to drink to blur it all out.

Here's the wedding video. Did my suit make me look gay?

R.I.P., Juice

Have fun in prison for the rest of your life, dickhead.

This blew my fucking mind. Second paragraph. Who was this 13th juror, and where the hell as he/she been living for the last 13 fucking years? I can understand if you were 5 years old back in '95 and don't remember the trial, etc. But to have never fucking heard of it?! Jesus. And that wasn't even the case in this trial, as the youngest jurors were in their 30s.

This would be a failed attempt at humor if not for the really random midget in it.

Pogo the Clown

What are the odds this kid becomes a serial killer?

My market is 99/100% - tight markets!

Sarah Nailin'

That would be her pwern name. Mine, you ask? 'Fatboy Fabulous'. Or maybe just 'The Fatboy'. That carries enough weight (no pun intended).

This is what happens when you put a reasonably attractive woman in office. Men are such pigs.

R&T

Parents were further outraged when they found out that the teacher had forced some of the asian girls to give the Janitor a rub and tug.

Stick 'em up

Wow. Twice in the same day. You'd think if you were trying to rob a bank, you might want to, oh I dunno, wear a mask or a fake beard, or something like that. And who are these cops chasing this guy down?

Fatboy to the SD Police: Maybe put a picture up of this guy. Might help you.

Silly Mormons

What the hell am I supposed to do now when I'm out fatboying in Utah and wanna pick up some Mormon chicks?

Guess I'll just drink grape juice.