Honey is bee spit

It's true. Look it up. That is all.

The Troof

I know what you're thinking. "Fatboy, are you pulling a Michael Jordan on us? Coming out of a forced retirement into baseball because your gambling habit was a threat to your image and the NBA's."

While the veracity of your thoughts are debateable, what is true is that the Fatboy is briefly coming out of fatirement to post some thoughts, as ol' Fatboy here is bored to tears right now.

Over the last however many months off I've had from posting funny pictures with fat commentary interspliced, I've realized some truths (or "trooves" if you prefer).

To wit:

-The Rolling Stone's "Exile on Main Street" is the single greatest album of all time. Any genre, any time period, any trend. Listen to it. Tell it the Fatboy sent 'ya. Of note: The Stones recorded this outside of the UK because they owed more taxes than they could pay. Proof again that taxes can destroy or nearly destroy potential.

-Warren Buffett is a nerd. Obvious, right? Compare him to any of the previous "Robber Barons." There are some real badasses on that list. Tough guys, crooks, vampires. I know, I know, the argument here is just plain specious. I'm using the term loosely, but what is undeniable here is that he's a nerd/dork/geek who is worshipped, and you just don't see that everyday.

-Liev Schreiber is the greatest narrator alive. I will watch anything narrated by him. Even some boring documentary about the Ocean. Usually the Fatboy objects to the trend of Hollywood actors and actresses taking over an industry that doesn't need recognition, but in this case I'm cool with it. So there.

- BP Fucked up. I'm not going to take the hippie stance here and ban off shore drilling forever, or anything, don't worry. But what I can't come to terms with here is the length of time this has taken to sort out. Now, the Fatboy doens't work for Transocean, and doesn't have any degrees in Marine Oil Butt-Plugging, but I have to assume there was a more logical fix, right? Crazy idea here, but couldn't they have gotten a giant hose and hooked it up to the rig and run the hose into a tanker to collect the oil? Maybe I should actually read the details, huh?

- Dennis Hopper is the most overrated person to ever go through Hollywood. Now, everyone knows I'm a seller of Hollywood in general, but this guy... I just don't get it. He fucking sucks. Plays himself in everything (See also: Gary Busey, Tom Cruise, Christopher Walken, Samuel L. Jackson and Kermit the Frog). Yet everyone has a hardon for him now that he's dead. Proving yet again, you can be the biggest douche in the history of Douche and posthumously, you'll be worshipped. Ah human psychology, you're just one step away from being a dog and being happy when someone returns to the room 5 minutes later.

Alright, that's it for now.

Top Gay

Wow, been so long since Ol' Fatness here posted that I had to log in... jesus. Sorry guys. I have no excuse other than pure lasciviousness. The Fatboy gets around, what can I say?

Anyway.. got to watching Top Gun baked the other day, and, as pot tends to do, my eyes were opened to the blatant homoeroticism. Granted, the theory that Top Gun is the Spartacus of our times isn't exactly fresh, but this was the first time I had seen this front to rear in years.

A few particular scenes really hit home-o for me, but one in particular kills me... the shower scene. I'm not going to even link to it it's so gay. So instead, how about a lil' ol' montage.

P.S. This sums it up, even though I hate the fucking guy.
P.P.S. Worth noting that this movie is Fatboy's brother's favorite movie of all time.

The House of Fatpresentatives

Summer recess is over bitches! Ok, let's recap the summer real quick:

- Cash for Clunkers
- Hot
- Ted Kennedy

Ok, that about sums it up. Hmm. Cars, heat and one fat, uppity, self-important blowhard being replaced (possibly) by another! Yay!

Ugh. I know the Professor will love that last part. Speaking of El Professorio, he and El Fat got a little inebriated last week and took down MAC-don-oohs at 10pm. Yes, you read that correctly. I didn't shit for 2 days. Never again.

And, finally, I'd like to bring everyone's attention to David Wright's ridiculous ginormous new helmet, that, apparently is a requirement to wear for minor leaguers. Ooof. I can't wait til they remake a live action version of The Flintstones and ask Dave to play Gazoo! Awesomeness.

Fat,Tuk,Vet,Gordo,Fett,Gras,دهن

Fatty fat fat giggity. Been a while since we really dug into Fatness here, so let's get our fat on. "These hard-hitting, provocative essays set the stage for a new paradigm honoring weight diversity and mark an important moment in the history of social justice." - Linda Bacon

Sorry, but I just don't know if Ol' Fatboy here can take an opinion on the subject of fatness seriously from a woman whose last name is "Bacon". Without knowing a single iota about this woman, I'm guessing what she's trying to say here is that fatness is slobbering its way into our social fabric, a move unprecedented in Fatistory.

Hmm. Mmmhmm. Booo! Ok, so I think Ms. Bacon is onto something. (Real quick sidenote: when i was getting the video I just linked to, I came across this. I am speechless.) Anywho.. it's not hard to find fat stuff and fat references, and general fatness anywhere on the internets. But I think you out there know this. My point? I honestly cannot remember, so instead of getting all deep and stuff, let's just get back to fat. Mmmmm, fat.

The Overbought List

Overbought. It's weird for me to say that, because in Ol' Fatboy's market, "oversold" actually means "overbought" - weird right? The Fatboy works and acts in mysterious ways.

I've been meaning to sling together an epic post here for quite some time, and nothing would make me happier than publishing the first ever Fatboy Overbought List. Ce soir, on chante!

• Will Ferrell: Go away.
• Brad Pitt: See above. You are a terrible actor, and that preview for "Inglourious Basterds" makes me want to fucking toss my TV out the window (and hopefully land on you should you be filming a movie out on my sidewalk).
• Quenten Tarrentino: While we're at it, you suck too. You were only popular because overly violent films is its own genre and what goes around comes around.
• Brett Favre: The king! This guy's like herpes for fuck's sake.
  
• Michael Jackson: Oh, wait, you did go away. I don't think he's "overbought" in the classic sense like those above, I think the coverage of him is. People seem to already have forgotten his weirdness. *Sigh*.
  
• Organic Food: A massive victory for American Cheese everywhere.
• Barrack Obama: I don't care what your political affliations are, you have to be sick of this guy.
  
• Hipsters: I saw a guy whose jeans were so tight the other day, I actually saw the outlines of the head of his penis. I mean, come on. Why can't I see cameltoe on hipster chicks? Makes me hate them more.
  

This will be a recurring post. I mean, Ol' Fatboy hates everything, so a short list like this goes against his nature. I'd be interested to hear comments or suggestions whether it be from my peeps in the Fatboy Circle of Trust, or you other random viewers via the comment feature.

Um, huh?

Been meaning to write about this for a long time. The comments pretty much sum up just about all I have to say about this, so make sure you read them.

I realize we disclaim just about everything as a culture, because we are largely blameless as a culture. I think I generally trust the FDA, but like many people who do what I do for a living, my trust of the government has almost totally eroded. I mean, those fuckers came out a few weeks ago and re-racked their stance on Tylenol for shit's sake! That's why I want the people at Tylenol to also put out an ambiguous, convoluted, mystifying commercial delivered by a hot chick that doesn't really accomplish anything other than confusing me.

The Fatboy Quiz

You realize, of course, that 2 posts in the same day constitutes the most posting Ol' Fatboy here has done in some time. And I'm baked out of my head right now. Seriously.

So, without further adieu let's get this started. You'll need a pencil, and a pad of paper.

1. Do you currently have multiple plastic cartons of watermelon in your fridge?:
a. Yes, I do. (1 point)
b. Just one carton (2 points)
c. Nope (0 points)

2. Which best describes you:
a. Black women fear me (1 point)
b. Black women see me as a rival (2 points)
c. Black women love me (0 points)

3. What do you normally wear to work?
a. Some form of suit (1 point)
b. Business casual, no jeans though (2 points)
c. Jeans and shirt (0 points)

4. Is Oprah an asshole?
a. Yes! (0 points)
b. No (1 point)
c. Nigga, you betta watch yo' mouf! (3 points)

5. Which of these food pairings do you often crave?
a. Sushi, Vegetables, Nuts (1 point)
b. Pizza, Steak, Burgers (2 points)
c. Pork products, Anything in BBQ Sauce, Cornbread (0 points)

6. Dave Chappelle is:
a. A pretty funny black man (2 points)
b. A grossly overrated commedian (1 point)
c. The funniest black guy on the planet (0 points)

Ok, let's see how you did!
13 - 11: You're somewhat normal
10 - 8: You're probably a construction worker
7 - 5: You are either a gay man, or your name is Erin
4 - 2: You are a rich, white male who battles homosexual tendencies
1: You are an unemployed black man, or you're The Fatboy!
0: I don't know what you are

But, sex!

You read that correctly bitches!

So I went to a butt-sex seminar a few nights ago. Toys, techniques, leather. It had it all. Stimulates the senses if you know what I mean. I took vociferous notes, and made sure to put them where they belong: the internets for all to see!

Of course I'm kidding. Or am I?

RIP MJ

That picture is just flat out creepy. It honestly looks like his nose is silly putty - do a closer look and you'll see it appears as though it's been pushed together at the tip with the thumb and forefinger. If we press it against the Sunday cartoons, we'll have an exact, reverse copy.

Sad to see the weirdo go though, I must say. I know, I know, an unconventional thing for the Fatboy to say, but this guy is my generation's Elvis. I remember the exact moment I saw "Thriller" for the first time. I mean, look at the disclaimer! The guy was a pioneer for god's sake, we didn't start using rampant disclaimers as a culture until years later. Anyway, I owe it to the guy to give him his own post, so here it is.

I Want To Go To Your Bachelor Party, Tom

That's it. No Post, no links, no nothing. This is an open letter to Tom to make it possible for me, "The Optimus Prime of Bachelor Parties", to go to your's in Amsterdam. That's a pic out of the Fatboy's personal portfolio from said wonderful city. Make it happen, Tom.

I Fart in Your General Direction

To think, a posting totally dedicated to farts hasn't been done yet here on Fatboy Rides. Astounding. I mean, this site is run by the guy who once had a Whoopie Cushion mailed to him from his mother in college along with a card and a note that read "I sent you this Whoopie Cushion because farts are your favorite."

So you can imagine my glee when Ol' Fatboy here stumbled upon this gem this morning whilst perusing the internets. This may be a dumb thought, but the owners had to have named the horse that on purpose for fun, right? If so, that is absolute genius.

Fast forward to 2:00 for the good stuff.

Munchies

What's up, fuckers! Haven't been posting much lately, and I really have no excuse whatsoever. Sorry. Perhaps it's because the Professor (maybe my only reader at this point) has been MIA for a solid month now... not sure.

To redeem myself, I've decided to post about my favorite munchy-food while stoned, as I got good and stoned yesterday and pretty much sampled them all. I'm gonna break this down Dr. Jack style:

• Pizza: specifically pepperoni pizza; there's a particular thin crust joint down in Grammercy that is out-fucking-rageously good when stoned.
  
• Cocoa Puff Cereal Bars: 100 calories of chocolate orgasm, I recommend the entire box.
  
• Smartfood: does the trick everytime, except when I made the mistake of getting the sour cream and onion variety.
  
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal: I generally eat bowls of this shit like I stole them.
  
• Watermelon: let the black jokes begin.
  
• Indian food: highly recommended (no pun intended).
  

Ok, so these are the staples. It goes without saying that literally everything tastes better when stoned, but these selected few are the equivalent of a wet dream when loaded up on the wacky. In my research, I came across this place. It's located in Sarasota, FL, which happens to be a winter nesting ground for Ol' Fatboy. I will try it and report back next winter, but it should be noted that this suprises me as the average age in Sarasota, Florida is probably carrying at least a 6 handle. I'd guess a place called "Munchies" would be in SF or anywhere in VT...

Stiff Neck

Woke up with a nasty stiff neck today, and I can't figure out why. May have something to do with what happened to me last night.

Ok, so Bears bouncing off trampolines are funny. But how about Bears attacking retarded women at zoos? Hell yes. This clip has me brimming with questions:

1. Why did she need a close up?
2. How on Earth did she not realize the Bear was close to the bars?
3. Why did anyone bother to save her?

More on this last point. I figure, if you're stupid enough to get close to a Polar Bear enclosure and the bear gets you, hey, that's your problem. This begs the non-sequitur question: would you rather get taken down by a Polar Bear, or an Octopus?

Back in the game baby!

A brief hiatus for The Fatboy, but now I'm back in the game, baby!

Took some time off from the blog to manage my depression due to work. By "manage", I mean, "go home and smoke pot." Nothing de-stresses like the gange, what can I say?

So yesterday, upon arrival and acceptance that I was stuck there for 8 more hours, someone sent me this angel. Now, generally speaking, I treat the "attractive" female golfers on tour the same way I treat the "attractive" girls at bars near 2am - I'd do them all, but I might think differently the next morning. This Russian girl though... she's hot no matter how you look at it. I'm thinking of moving to Russia - seems like it's nothing but hot chicks coming out of there, and athletic ones to boot!

Fat Pong

Ol' Fatboy here is nasty at Beer Pong (or Beirut if you prefer). I ran a table with another fatboy in the Hamptons 2 summers ago for 4 hours (the other guy was pointing the other way near the end..).

The point is, that night, the owners of the house where the party we crashed was were pissed at us. Not so pissed that they were going to murder us though, so have no fear, it's not that kind of story.

Note the website that story came from, by the way. I subscribe to Beer Pong Monthly and no one told me there was a beerpongnews.com! What the fuck people? Need the details...

I Am Not An Animal

Hmm. I'd like to think that I'd notice a 40 pounder growing inside of Ol' Fatboy. Hey, maybe not, there's a lot of fatness to contend with.

This segues nicely into some of the fativities that occurred last night. Firstly, Ol' Fatboy and the Professor went to a nice, local dive bar we've been frequenting for a while now (10 years). While there, we saw "The Nut". He's a bartender that works at said bar, and has a ball the size of a coconut. Never ceases to amaze us when we see it, and we regaled another friend with tales of "The Nut" for a few hours afterwards.

Secondly, and lastly, we were delighted to be entertained by an Indian gentleman playing the citar for us as we dined on Indian food. The Professor has a thing for citars apparently, but wasn't phased when the waitress ripped the heart out of the woman at the table next to us and ate it. Weird.

Fat Goggles

Quite a few "studies" done these days about various stuff. Most of the time the conclusions that are drawn are pretty obvious and the study probably didn't need to be done at all. There is something to be said for conventional wisdom and the wisdom of crowds.

So imagine my surprise when I ran into this one. Ok, fine. You put up a bunch of pictures of chicks, and drunk or sober I will most likely have the same opinion about their attractiveness, but you failed to mention my desire to go hoggin'.

After 1 beer: "Eh, she's not that cute and her ass is kinda fat."
After 2 beers: "Man, I haven't gotten laid in a while."
After 3 beers: "Skinny girls are all boney and usually have no tits."
After 4 beers: "Hmm, I bet she doesn't look that bad naked."
After 8 beers: (Recalls he's out of condoms) "Do I even need them? She's clean I bet."
After 10 beers: "I would fuck Hillary Clinton right now. I'm taking this girl home."

Next morning: "Morning. I'm fat, you're fat, let's go grab breakfast."

Moneyballs?

Moneyball. No, not the ball you play with before the money shot. I'm talking the book about sabermetrics and how it was used to build successful Oakland A's teams after its implementation.

Pretty dorky huh? Not much of a plot, more of a documentary in book form. Believe Ol' Fatboy, I've read it twice. So pardon my surprise here. Has Hollywood really run out of all the better ideas for a movie?

And Brad Pitt sucks, I don't care what the reviewers say. Soderbergh is starting to suck too. Ok, I'm done. I feel better.

Four Two Zero

Happy Stoner Day everyone! Ol' Fatboy here didn't really know too much about the significance of April 20th until about a week ago, honestly. I didn't think stoners could be organized enough to have a holiday. But I digest...

Gotta find my way to the dog park over in Alphabet City. I bet there's some solid canine stoning going on over there. The thing I don't get here is why did the kid ditch the rest of the muffins in a park somehwere? There wasn't a dumpster around? Or, more importantly, you couldn't save them and party some more later in the week? I'm brimming with questions.