Guano

Ya know, guano. As in batshit. As in batshit crazy.

Watching the full 6 minutes is tough, but at least stick around for the post-fight interview with Jim Gray. It's oh so batshit crazy. Delectable.

I know you want it, don't deny it. Here it is.

September Madness

I have the Fed in one of my pools, and the Queen of England in another. So far I'm in pretty good shape. Didn't really get hurt by those 7-10 games that have killed me in years past.

I'll KILL the Wabbit!

Awesome (sung in a tenor by the Fatboy). Nature at its awesomest.

As a Fatboy sidenote, I absolutely love that episode of Looney Tunes. Read the lyrics, it's pretty funny.

EDIT: Yes! I found it. My all-time favorite.

You have something in your hair

Holy shit. Is this kid's skull made out of cheese or something? How did the knife not hit his brain? What kind of fucking moron leaves his cell phone at the scene of a crime?

CNBC Sucks

A follow up to my previous post. I could go on in waves on how badly this channel sucks balls, but I found a blog that does it for me!

Wow, a 34D for Margaret Brennan is a little aggressive, but I think Jim Cramer's 46B is probably accurate.

The Fatboy has a "large" 36B.

Rushahome-a/Black Monday

The Fatboy is a little under the weather today, and since the Fatboy will likely be living underneath a bridge in Central Park soon, there's a decided lack of humor in today's post. Maybe I'll rally later.

Also, incidentally, the Fatboy almost got picked off by a Jewish guy in a BMW while trying to cross the street. He was apparently fleeing the markets and rushing home for Rosh Hashanah.

Boy, this market sucks huh? Now only if those fucking morons in Washington can sort this mess out. People the Fatboy is tired of hearing from, and/or looking at:
- Barney Frank
- Nancy Pelosi
- Richard Shelby
- Hank Paulson
- Anyone on CNBC (except for Erin Burnett)
- Bill Gross

Chicks in Diapers?

Man, seems like the Japanese are always doing stupid shit. That said, if I had a fashionable, comfortable adult diaper, I would never have to leave my couch ever again. I like the sound of that.

Also, how random is this? I really can't tell if those are real pics or just photoshopped, and if real, the Fatboy feels really left out. I had no idea this was a trend. I should probably leave my apartment once in a while.

Deja Fat

Damn. She still looks the exact same!

I guess when you've had plastic surgery about 50 times (Fatboy estimate), you might have psychological issues later in life. That's some Fatboy armchair psychiatry for you.

And since I just really wanted an excuse to post a young picture of her, I'll say goodbye to my all-time favorite internet blog, Takeareport.com . Truly one of the funniest things on the internet.

Rico Fatboy

Been a while since I posted a fatboy doing something stupid. In this case, this kid's got some serious lines. I like his fat style.

Yikes

I mean, what else is there to say?

Unfortunately, you have to sit through a stupid commercial before the good stuff starts.

I get it. She's relatively attractive compared to the sloths in congress. She's a mom. She's got a funny accent.

None of those things make her qualified to be waxing poetic about foreign policy. Fatboy's getting preachy again.. sorry.

I'm Just a Fatboy

My name's not bill, it's Fatboy.

Just in case all of you readers forgot how bills came about, here's a refresher:


1. Cabinet member hastily puts together bill
2. Media pundits opine
3. Democrats try to include taxes
4. Republicans whine about taxes
5. Gay congressman criticizes Republicans
6. Both sides end up agreeing, but bill is materially different

I think I have it down, but just in case, click on the link.

Keep The Door Open

Ouch. You'd think this case would be a little more cut and dry.

Fatboy, Esq.: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please look at my client's rectum, see the staples?"
Jury (horrified, but oddly intrigued)(nodding): "mmmhmm."
Fatboy, Esq.: "I rest my case."

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise

If being unsurprised were people, I'd be China. Or India. Whichever.


This one's a little bit more shocking to the Fatboy, but it just may be a weird phase. Either way, her 'girlfriend' is more manly than Clay Aiken. But I'm really not sure what that says about you.

Eat it, Clemens

Boy, this story really tugs at the heart strings, huh?

Oh, wait, ignore that previous statement, I fucking hate this guy.

As far as I can tell, Roger Clemens has gotten everything that was coming to him. Which makes this all the more amusing. Lunch. At his house. Awesome.

If there's grass on the field...

He makes a compelling argument.

The lesson here, as preached and refined by the Mormons is: if you need to get laid, just make up your own religion/religious rules.

Or just point to the Bible for guidance. Either way.

Hat tip to The Professor for this link.

Someone's been sleeping in my bed

Hey, at least he didn't take a dump in the fridge, right?

"I'm not even mad, I'm amazed!"

We've got bush

Funny, when the Fatboy was in college, we persecuted Nerds and made them live in the gym after we burned our frat house down....but then it all went to shit after they joined a black fraternity and beat us at our own game. Those crazy nerds.

Wait, that was something else. Scratch that.

Fatbeard

Holy shit, the Fatboy had no idea this past Friday was a holiday, dammit.

Had I known, I would've added an "Arrrrr!" or two on the phone at work. I guess I'll just wait until next year.

For the record, the Fatboy was on hand at the races that day, and had Arrrr to win. So I have that going for me.

Can I Borrow a Little Cash?

What's a cool 700 Billion between friends? I will try not to be too political here, but sheesh... I find it amusing that a bunch of assholes who were asleep at the wheel are coming up with a plan to basically put me out of a job and make me homeless. *Sigh*.

Eh, who am I kidding? This was really just an excuse to link to this, anyway.

Those Are Some Good Bananas

It's hard to be inconspicuous when you're an elephant looking for your next score.

In other news, I hate myself for thinking Amy Winehouse looks sorta good in the "Then" portion of this photo.

Rye Ruv Roo

Anything's possible, I taught my dog to say, "I love you."

And now for some dog pwern...(turn volume down).

Jim Cramer is a douchebag

I hate this guy. He was just on CNBC being given credit for finding this government solution to the market's woes a week ago. Um...this is the same guy that did this a few months ago.

Those of us who have a TV with CNBC on it within our line of vision all day have to watch them send out morons all day long to comment on the markets, but none in the Fatboy's opinion is worse than him.

I'll link to this article, though old, because it sums up the paper that was written about his sucky stock picking. I don't get why the same idiots in the media who couldn't predict any of this think they can explain what happened and the solutions to it....

Wow, awfully preachy for the Fatboy, I'll have to find more fat stuff to put out.

I thought his contract was up

Man the Devil has some good lawyers. They're gonna get this asshole off twice!

When OJ eventually goes to hell, I bet he's going to be the Devil's #2, similar to Saddam in the Southpark movie, but less gay.

God Kill the Queen

No, I don't want the Queen dead. Truthfully, I really don't care if she lives or dies. However, while flipping through the channels on the tele last night, I came across a 20/20 special on the Royal Family and it really got me thinking: the Queen sucks.

She was getting photographed by Annie Lebovitz and was just acting like a first class (Royal?) douchebag. Since I like lists, I'll comment on what I saw and thought about:

• The Queen's kids are fucking ugly.
• Does the Queen get a salary for whatever it is she fucking does?
• I'm pretty sure they're pulling a "Weekend at Bernie's" with that husband of her's.
• Do English people even like the Royal Family? If I met her I wouldn't go out of my way to do any of that "Your Highness" crap.
  

Discuss.

The Triple Fatboy

Well, not quite the triple lindy, but close enough.

And for those of you dying to see the triple lindy in it's truest form, it can be found here.

Market Update

Well let's see here, we lost Bear Stearns a few months ago, Lehman Brothers over the weekend, Merrill to a merger and now it looks like Morgan Stanley is toast too.

We didn't even need him to speak this time for the market to crash, but he came out today and spoke anyway, for about 45 seconds. Thanks, dickhead.

Wii Fat

I'm soooo there. And since this story really isn't that interesting, I'll defer to myself for questions:

Why does this fatboy in the picture have on swim goggles?

What is this fatboy's Body Mass Index?

I was originally insulted when my Wii told me my BMI was a near-obese 28.5, but then my marathon running brother got on it and it told him he's a 25, which is still overweight, and together we both look like Adonises compared to this slob.

Make mine chocolate please

I plan on doing this every morning with my coffee, I just need to find a donor.

You have the right to remain stupid

Wow. It's one thing to get stuck in an air vent while trying to rob a museum, but it's an entirely different thing to come up with that story.

The police should've just let him go, being that stupid is enough punishment.

Stupid Strikes Twice

"Stupid is as stupid does." Ah yes, the now famous quote from a not-so-good-movie. An important lesson though, one this 'tard hasn't quite learned.

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, and, um... you still get paid millions of dollars and stuff?

Why hasn't being an asshole paid off for me?

Loob

I was behind a woman at the pharmacy today who was buying a veritable tub of KY. Shamelessly too. I think I'd need one of those Groucho Marx glasses and a black trench coat to pull that one off.

Anywho, why can't our commercials be this funny?

Fat Row

Excuses, excuses. However, I am brimming with questions:

1. 1. Why do we even care if we can execute this scumbag humanely?
2. 2. How did he gain that weight eating prison food 3 squares a day?
3. 3. Medicine can make you gain 70lbs?
4. 4.What was his last meal going to be?
5. 5. Is Suge Knight still alive?

Wait, who probed me then?

This is actually pretty damn interesting. The Fatboy doesn't waste his time with silly things like religion, aliens or even Sasquatch, though I'd imagine we'd be pals if we indeed coexisted, but I bet he would always leave the toilet seat up.

I like Carl Sagan's statment about extraordinary events, but I'll even simplify it further: You are a moron if you believe that Aliens are into chillin in the desert, when there are so many great strip clubs here in the city.

"It's not a lie if you believe it." - George Costanza

Yellow and Blue Make Fat

Finally, something to stop those sneaky bastards at work from taking my sustenance!

The inventor is a mechanical engineer from Princeton. Nice use of the education, pal.

Scaredy fat

Boy, there's sure no shortage of fat kids doing stupid shit on the internet, huh?

I hope the parents had extra room in their bed for him.

Walk This Way

Funny, I have always held a theory that you can tell if a girl will be fat by the way she walks. I guess I was barking up the right tree... sorta.

God, I wonder what this all means for this girl.

The Markets: Up In Smoke

I'd say Kevin Depew was high when he put this together, but it just makes so much damn sense.

I can't believe you can make an entire career based on being a stoner. Bravo.

The Mobile Internets

I'm not a master of logic like The Professor, but even I know this is just plain retarded.

I always thought that the whole Al Gore/Invention of the Internet was blown way out of proportion by the right, but at least he knew what a computer is, and how to turn it on.

Let's review the facts: admittedly doesn't know how to use a computer, and cannot send email. Despite this, adviser claims he had a hand in creating the Blackberry. Nice.

Fatboy's Inferno

Hmm. 666 times. Damn. That's quite a workout.

This whole Satan worship thing got me thinking. In the religion I was raised on (Fatboyism, an offshoot of Buddhism), if you didn't do what you were supposed to do, you got threatened with Hell, with the heat and the ragged clothing.

If you're a Satanist and you don't do what you're supposed to do, what's the punishment? This confuses me.

"You like donuts do ya? Have all the donuts in the world!"

A fat boy on a ride

I can't tell what disturbs me more here, the fact that this junior fatboy nearly defies all laws of physics and almost threads the needle, or that his mother (or guardian, or maybe just a maniacal stranger) is so goddamn amused by it all.

She's got a Heath Ledger as the Joker thing going here in this clip.

Scholarship

So the Fatboy here went to a good ole' fashioned Strip Club this weekend. Now before too much judgement is passed, we were there for a bachelor party, and since I was filling in for the best man (he was sick), it was my civic duty to put the groom on scholarship. Some observations:

• All Strip Club bouncers are fucking douchebags.
  
• Black strippers really like me. Weird, right?
• Sometimes black strippers smell like soap.
• Russia must be absolutely loaded with hot chicks.
• Strippers are good at flattery.
  

This last point I'd like to touch more upon. Not just 1, but 2 of us left this place thinking we were in with one of these fine ladies. Now, by "in" i mean we thought they were into us. I don't know much, but I know this: Strippers are paid to make you feel like you are liked. Yet, oddly, every single time I've ever left a strip club, I wonder if one of the various girls I spoke with that evening had even an inkling of desire for the Fatboy. But then I realize that they're either trying to bleed money out of me right then and there, or at some point in the near future. I digress.

For all you future or current strippers out there, to touch up on your technique or maybe just make the team, there's this (there's different varieties? who knew!).

"Kissing a stripper is like licking a subway pole." - The Professor

Fatboy Feature of the Week.

Bacon. Oh man. And no, not this guy.

I used to work with a guy that said these percipient words, "Ya know Fatboy, bacon makes everything better."

He was right. George Costanza might find Pastrami the most sensual of all the salted cured meats, but this Fatboy finds bacon the clear cut (or is it thick cut?) winner.

An ode to fatness. Perhaps I'll make this my Fatboy Feature of the Week. Yes, I will.

And down goes Lehman!

So Lehman Brothers blew up this weekend, officially filing Chapter 11 early this morning.

Is this the beginning of the next Great Depression? I sure fucking hope not, but it's not beyond reason. These guys don't seem too worried.

The Fatboy Rides

Who is this fatboy and what does he ride?

I know that's what your asking yourself. I know you're dying to know.

I won't tell you either. Picturing fat boys riding tractors, skateboards, camels, penny farthings or really anything in general is funny. So there.

So read on, and see what the Fatboy has to say. Or tell me to fuck off. I just like the attention.