I Am Not An Animal

Hmm. I'd like to think that I'd notice a 40 pounder growing inside of Ol' Fatboy. Hey, maybe not, there's a lot of fatness to contend with.

This segues nicely into some of the fativities that occurred last night. Firstly, Ol' Fatboy and the Professor went to a nice, local dive bar we've been frequenting for a while now (10 years). While there, we saw "The Nut". He's a bartender that works at said bar, and has a ball the size of a coconut. Never ceases to amaze us when we see it, and we regaled another friend with tales of "The Nut" for a few hours afterwards.

Secondly, and lastly, we were delighted to be entertained by an Indian gentleman playing the citar for us as we dined on Indian food. The Professor has a thing for citars apparently, but wasn't phased when the waitress ripped the heart out of the woman at the table next to us and ate it. Weird.

Fat Goggles

Quite a few "studies" done these days about various stuff. Most of the time the conclusions that are drawn are pretty obvious and the study probably didn't need to be done at all. There is something to be said for conventional wisdom and the wisdom of crowds.

So imagine my surprise when I ran into this one. Ok, fine. You put up a bunch of pictures of chicks, and drunk or sober I will most likely have the same opinion about their attractiveness, but you failed to mention my desire to go hoggin'.

After 1 beer: "Eh, she's not that cute and her ass is kinda fat."
After 2 beers: "Man, I haven't gotten laid in a while."
After 3 beers: "Skinny girls are all boney and usually have no tits."
After 4 beers: "Hmm, I bet she doesn't look that bad naked."
After 8 beers: (Recalls he's out of condoms) "Do I even need them? She's clean I bet."
After 10 beers: "I would fuck Hillary Clinton right now. I'm taking this girl home."

Next morning: "Morning. I'm fat, you're fat, let's go grab breakfast."

Moneyballs?

Moneyball. No, not the ball you play with before the money shot. I'm talking the book about sabermetrics and how it was used to build successful Oakland A's teams after its implementation.

Pretty dorky huh? Not much of a plot, more of a documentary in book form. Believe Ol' Fatboy, I've read it twice. So pardon my surprise here. Has Hollywood really run out of all the better ideas for a movie?

And Brad Pitt sucks, I don't care what the reviewers say. Soderbergh is starting to suck too. Ok, I'm done. I feel better.

Four Two Zero

Happy Stoner Day everyone! Ol' Fatboy here didn't really know too much about the significance of April 20th until about a week ago, honestly. I didn't think stoners could be organized enough to have a holiday. But I digest...

Gotta find my way to the dog park over in Alphabet City. I bet there's some solid canine stoning going on over there. The thing I don't get here is why did the kid ditch the rest of the muffins in a park somehwere? There wasn't a dumpster around? Or, more importantly, you couldn't save them and party some more later in the week? I'm brimming with questions.

Red Fat Chili Peppers

I've done some stupid shit in my life. I know it, you know it, my parents sure know it. But I can safely say I never rubbed chili peppers in my eyes to set a record.

I'm struggling to get my head around why anyone would do this. And the world record? Can't I just go out and get some oranges or something and claim that I set the world record for rubbing oranges in my eyes?

Arabian Goggles Cooper

Well, you would know, Anderson. It's a poorly kept secret that Gloria Vanderbilt's son plays for the other team. Which makes this a Freudian slip if you ask me. But why does he have trouble talking when he's tea bagging? They don't call it Arabian Goggles because it covers your mouth, sheesh. Hmpf.

Hair of the Fat

Come on, did you really think scientists would "discover" that bacon cures hangovers and expect me not to write about it? That's just crazy talk.

Ol' Fatboy would've been happy to be the guinea pig in this study. I got shitfaced last night and could've used a bacon sangwich today, but alas, it just didn't happen. So I kept my hangover until lunchtime, where it was squashed by Mongolian grill. I then shit lightning approximately 25 minutes later.

Shiver Me Timbers

So a lot is going on in the world of Piracy. And I'm not talking about those assholes selling pre-release copies of Wolverine, or the kind that goes on at these places. No, I'm talking about the now-legendary Somali Pirates. Arrrr.

So that brings me to this. Now, the Chinese are known for faking shit. Golf clubs, jewelry, Viagra, you name it. As much as I'd love to believe this, I just don't think it's real, unless Aquaman was behind this. Which would be awesome.

Mom's Cookin' Chicken and Collared Greens

No, it's not Christmas time in Hollis, Queens. But it is Christmas time in this dude's lungs!

I hope there is some follow up to this, because this blew my fucking mind today when I read this. I demand a Discovery special on this. Speaking of, this commercial totally sold me on "Deadliest Catch" and now I'm hooked.

I know you were about to look for it, so here it is.

Damn Jews

The answer to your question is yes. If they hadn't, he would've gone onto a long and fruitful career as a lawyer.

Hey, you can say what you want to about the Jews (I have always felt like "Jews" was derogatory, but I guess it isn't), but at least they don't teach their kids that a fucking rabbit hides eggs filled with candy all over the yard.

Why do Christians need to make Easter more exciting? It's a story about a guy dying and coming back to life! What's more exciting than that? We've released how many zombie movies as a culture lately? Sheesh.

Fat Sawyer

A modern day warrior. Mean, mean stride. Today's Tom Sawyer, mean, mean pride.

What. The. Fuck. Is. This? Ol' Fatboy here was driving back from the place he was hatched this weekend, and I stumbled across a Rush marathon on one of the local radio stations.

I have to admit, there are plenty of songs in the Rush collection that I like, but none are as cheesy as Tom Sawyer. Those lyrics are retarded.

Fun fact: The Fatboy used to work with a guy named Tom Sawyer who actually painted his riding lawnmower black, with a number 3 on the top in honor of another modern day warrior, Dale Earnhardt Sr.. Hey, what you say about his company, is what you say about society...

And yes, Neil Peart is the greatest drummer ever.

The Fat and the Furious

Wait, what?

Are you fucking kidding me? I was in awe the other night after seeing the trailer for this movie. The wonderment I was experiencing was due to the fact that I realized they made three of these movies! Three!

Ok, I admit, I haven't seen either of the first 2, but this is Paul Walker and Vin Diesel we're talking about. Terence & Philip are better than these two guys. There are some stupid people in this country I tell ya. And yes, I am saying you are stupid if you went and saw this movie.

EDIT: Seconds after publishing this, I found out this is the fourth (!) installment of this piece of shit franchise.

The end fatness: Fatboy Rides into the sunset

Fooled you! Of course the Fatboy isn't getting rid of the blog. I mean, what would my 3 readers do without me? (3 is liberal).

I told a friend I wore sweatpants into work today, she believed me, and I said, "April Fools!", and that was that. Lame. This would've been so much better. And yes, I think it's real.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, well, you fooled me again.