Torgaydo

5th avenue during gay weekend is torgaydo alley, just ask this guy in the picture. Luckily, there are weathermanss out there who can help predict this kind of weather pattern.

And, in case you were wondering, I'm super, thanks for asking.

Underestimating the sneakiness

It doesn't take The Professor, a master of logic, to tell you that you shouldn't sneak up on wild animals. Even those that are "tame".

I mean, the bear told you on day one, "Don't sneak up on me, I don't like that. That's my only rule." At least that's how I imagine it.

Does it count as a sneak attack if you react in a "I don't give a shit" manner? What about if the attack evolves into a primo ass sniffing session? I say yes.

Fatburn

So I cut myself the other day eating, thank god I had this. No infection for the Fatboy, bitches!

The reality of this product: it's fucking stupid. I'm not a doctor of infectious diseases, nor did I have any schooling in biology outside my sophomore year in high school, but I have a basic understanding of the world around me. Do you really need to disinfect yourself on the spot? It can't wait until you get home? What's the statistic for people infected with staph after a fucking rugburn? Please.

Nothing creepy about that at all

Man, I wish I could paint. I'd totally have an awesome website with ol' Fatboy here schtooking various Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models, or maybe even Victoria's Secret models (if I'm feeling saucy).

Man, that'd be awesome.

Unhappy Ending

Gee, thanks a lot, God. I mean, if God can't give you a happy ending, who the hell will?

I really enjoy the matter-of-fact-ness of this article. I'm no Bible study expert, but I do know my way around the New Testament, and if recall properly, God is basically incapable of giving the human race a happy ending, right? I mean, we're such a lost cause, that He sent his only Son down to Earf to save us, then had some chucklehead named John write a really nasty ending chapter. I've seen the Seventh Sign man, I know what's coming!

So you'll have to pardon my complete lack of surprise that He won't intervene and save the planet from environmental perril. And for the record, that photo is funny and all, but when you get a happy ending, you're laying face up...or so I'm told. Ahem.

Um, Hello?

So the Fatboy has been stoned a few times more than he'd like to admit in the last couple of weeks. How come, is it the markets? Is it the fact that the President is trying to take everything away from him leaving him only with his fatness? Is it his 3rd floor walkup?

Nope. Just felt like it. I set my dvr to record every goddamn episode of Family Guy ever made and got to watchin'. I came across this with a mouthful of Smartfood and soon after had the vacuum out cleaning up my mess. Kills me everytime. But is the original even funnier?

EDIT: I'm told that "The Man" took down the clip that makes this post worth while. It's Peter Griffin listening to Lionel Ritchie's song "Hello" and soliloquizing to Lionel whispering, "Who hurt you?" Wow, that's really not as funny to read.

Fatburger

How come this dude's wearing a helmet?

That burger is weak, yo. Not as big and meaty (hehe) as this one. A cool 4,800 calories. If I, and other fatboys of the like ran the world, the percent value thing on the backs of food boxes would be based on a 4,800 calorie a day diet, bitches! That way, normal stuff would look puny and make me feel better about consuming 10,887mg of sodium in one sitting.

The "nutrition" in this burger can be found here.

Creepy

So the ol' Fatboy went out for some of the games yesterday. Made a few stops around southern Manhattan, one with some hot girls, some with... um, not so many hot girls.

Got to talking with this hipster chick who was all coked up and it went a little something like this. I haven't met what I would deem a "normal girl" in probably 3 years living in this godforsaken place.

Give me that fish

This post is looooong overdue. This is arguably the funniest commercial ever made, and definitely the funniest commercial McDonalds has ever made.

So why the hubbub, Fatboy? Well allow me to proselytize: It is the Fatboy's belief that the hirsute fatboy in this video, in an attempt to make the cleaning of his garage a little more palatable, got really baked before or during the task. Inevitably, he got the munchies and hammered some filet o' fish sangwiches from McD's. Just as he's having his high hallucination, his buddy comes in (who may or may not be stoned, it's unclear to me). Just as his buddy wonders wtf is going on here, he gives him the "aw yeah" nod, as if to assure his pal that this is definitely real - while at the same time agreeing with the fish that he wouldn't be happy at all if it were him in the sangwich.

You're sold. Don't deny it.

Hey Nice Badger

Mascots. We all know what they are, but we rarely know who they are, and we rarely care. You don't need to be an actuary to predict that the people inside these costumes are huge dorks. Logic states that if you were cool, you'd be either on the field or in the stands drinking, hoping to bang some young filly later on at a post-game party.

These two fucking dorkbags.....I mean, is there anything dorkier than two mascots fighting each other? No, there is not. Some more dorkiness, here.

Movie Review: Zack and Miri Make a Porno

If you haven't seen this piece of shit, save yourself some time and just read the wiki recap.

This post is nothing more than a tyrannous rant, so allow me first to apologize for that fact. I watched this movie the other night while I was sick on my couch, and maybe it was the flu, but I felt vandalized afterward. Seth Rogen utterly and completely sucks. Elizabeth Banks is an average looking woman. The "plot" is the most retarded, obvious thing in the whole world, and the movie feels like it was filmed in 3 days without anyone in the movie bothering to read the script.

But allow me to opine further on Seth Rogen. Yes, I am jealous that he rules the world and he's like 26 or something. But jeez. This guy can't act, it's totally improbable he'd ever even sniff the panties of Banks or that chick from Knocked Up. This whole movie was done as a favor to him by Judd Apatow so he could possibly get into Banks' pants. It's like that pathetic David Spade movie where he ends up with that hot french chick from Braveheart.

Worth its patheticness in Gold

I have to be honest, this made me sad. It really did.

I've learned a lot of lessons the hard way in life, and that's prepared me for making decisions going forward that I think/hope are the correct ones. But imagine learning the lessons of life the way these 2 chuckleheads have had to learn them? Ouch man.

How do you not put money away? I make squat compared to what these 2 guys made during their careers and even I have enough money away to last me, oh, maybe 6 months. Not to get all high-horsey on you, but I would never ever sell my soul for a silly laugh on a pathetic Gold commercial. Man.